You are here#6: Show Don’t Tell

#6: Show Don’t Tell

By KLCtheBookWorm - Posted on 20 December 2009

You've heard it ad nauseam. It's the first rule of writing fiction for a reason. And when applied to your own writing, all you can do is stare at the prose and ask yourself "where am I not showing? Everything's there!"

Resist the urge to call the critique a hapless twit. It's the first rule because everyone makes it when they begin to write. Even experienced writers can slip into it. "Telling" a story is the quickest way to get the story onto paper, because it summarizes ninety percent of the story. Consider these two experts:

"Easy, easy," Link patted his horse's, Catherine, neck. "I don't like this any more than you do." He was lying and Catherine knew it. She could smell moblin scent on the air.

Link gazed around at the forest as he brushed his brown hair out of his brown eyes. Not many people ventured into it, but the village on the outskirts had reported increased moblin activity. The servants of the vanquished Ganon still cause trouble when and wherever they could.

Link prodded her, "Come on." Catherine didn't move. "I thought you wanted to get out of here," he prodded her again.

The moblin's grin split his ugly face. The stupid hero had stopped right under his tree limb. He gripped his drawn dagger and jumped.

The impact of bodies knocked Link onto the ground. Catherine screamed and bolted. A sharp pain erupted in his arm as link threw off the moblin and drew his sword.

(The Legend of Zelda: Verge of Destruction 1992, first version)

This was the beginning of the present day action in the first fanfiction I ever wrote, way back in 1992. I didn't even know it was called fanfiction back then. Now compare it to the rewrite done in 2000.

Hyrule hadn't changed, and Link hoped it never would. He rode out of the small village he had spent the night in and rode into the massive forest on its outskirts. The villagers had spoken in fear of gatherings of moblins within, looking so hopefully at the Kingdom's greatest hero. He sighed. So much for hoping the moblins would knock it off in his absence. Maybe a year just wasn't long enough to change moblin behavior.

It had been just a year. It seemed longer. The large trees pressed closer to the path. Not for the first time, he wondered how Zelda's year had been. Not that she needed any help from me. Not that she has missed me as much as I miss her. Probably is glad that I'm out of her hair. His brown eyes absentmindedly surveyed the surrounding forest. Should I go to the North Palace? Just to say hello, I was in the countryside, how are you, that type of thing. And accomplish what besides pouring salt in an open wound and grinding it in? He grimaced. No, it's best to avoid the Palace. If Zelda needed him, she would call for him telepathically like she said she would. And Zelda was always good at keeping her promises.

Catherine skitted in the path and stopped. Link woke up from his thinking and glanced around. Nothing seemed out of place. "What is it, girl? Come on, we got a job to do." The mare reluctantly continued down the trial. She still shied visibly. "Easy, easy," he crooned as he petted her neck. "I don't like this any more than you do."

She snorted with disbelief. Catherine knew him too well to believe that.

Link brushed his brown hair out of his brown eyes as he gazed around the forest. Nothing seemed wrong, except it was too quiet.

Catherine still hadn't moved. He prodded her. "Come on." The horse refused to move. I thought you wanted to get out of here." He prodded her again.

A sound above him made him look up, straight at the moblin falling on top of him with a drawn dagger. He saw it so clearly before the impact of bodies knocked him to the ground.

Catherine bolted, but not very far before stopping. She wouldn't leave him like that. A sharp pain erupted in his arm as Link threw off the moblin and drew his sword.

(The Legend of Zelda: Verge of Destruction, Oct. 11, 2000)

There's still stuff I've found to change now. Let's look at the changes made.

POV shift is taken out. Instead of jumping from Link's thoughts to the moblin's thoughts and back to Link, the scene stays with Link the whole time.

More of Link's thoughts are given. His brain is somewhere else entirely, which allows the moblin to get the drop on him. It also allows for exposition to be given, setting up the story better, without becoming boring. I like being in Link's head and hope the readers do too.

More description is added. Can you see the sun-dappled path going further into the dim recesses; the giant trees stretching into leaves overhead and having trunks as wide as houses? I need to add some of that to the word picture. :D The actions are slowed down to ease into the fight that is about to start. Oddly enough, action is slowed when writing it, like Matrix bullet time.

All of these elements put together expand the scene out of the summary it was before. Summary is boring. Sometimes it is necessary to summarize with exposition and narrative, but once it takes over a story you have a problem.

EDITING TO SHOW

"Don't tell us how your characters feel. Let the reader draw his conclusions from what each character says or does." (164 Sol Stein How to Grow a Novel) Characters are where you find the pitfalls of telling. For some reason when your brain goes into spit-the-story-out mode, it thinks sentences like "Link felt depressed over leaving Zelda" are acceptable. In the heat of writing the first draft, these sentences are forgivable because you are going to edit them out. So what should you look for when creating your second draft? And what should you try to remember for the next first draft?

Think about how to help the character betray the inner life. People's actions, habits, and decisions show what kind of person they are. Actions speak louder than words is the cliche but in writing it makes more sense.

The character is nervous and uneasy. But what does that make her do? Let's make her a giggler. So now she walks into a doctor's office. The receptionist asks her to sign in and gets a high-pitched giggle.

You want to always show the character's actions, but never give the explanation. If the character's actions are consistent, the reader will figure it out. I think I scared one reader with my enthusiastic response to her character analysis.

Kimory: I really like Bookworm's story too!! I wanna see Charley trash Trash! That woman really pisses me off

Maybe a spoiler ahead...

But I think she likes Ryan and is flirting with ever guy that comes along to make him jealous. I'm guessing that everyone else might have caught on to this as well or maybe it's just me

The BookWorm: Thanks guys, really. I know it's one of the best stories I've done to date--and definitely the most ambitious--but it's still nice to have people come out and just say so without prompting.

And character analysis! Somebody is actually analyzing one of my characters! Makes my day.

(Red Sands: Go! Read the crossover! It's so worth it!)

Because I didn't want to spoil the ending of the crossover, I couldn't tell her at the time she was right.

Think in scenes. The story plays like a movie in your head. The only way the reader will see that movie is through what you put on the paper/screen in front of them. Thinking and writing in scenes puts the characters in conflict and maintains the momentum of the story.

Use concrete details. Anchor your story in the reality that it is taking place in. Don't always use: "She hurried down the hall" when "Her footsteps echoed with a rapid staccato" builds a vivid picture.

Make your narration as dramatic as possible. Scenes are the lifeblood of a story, but in longer works, you need narration to summarize the trivial and to get you quickly to the next point you want to illuminate with a scene. You should still make this narration as dramatic as possible.

No one answered her call. She quickly pulled herself together and grabbed hold of Link. She dragged him through the halls of the Underworld toward the ones that led to the Palace. All the while begging with her mind for someone to help her, for someone to save Link.

And then Captain Krin appeared in the halls of the Underworld leading two of the Palace Guards. They carried Link back to the Palace where he got better. And where she learned she could send her thoughts to others. But only Link could send his to her.

(The Legend of Zelda: Verge of Destruction)

This is narration from the end of a flashback scene, but it makes a vivid image.

In order to create fully human characters, you must care about them. Realize by "human" I mean a full range of emotions, not the species of the character. Readers recognize and empathize with the characters when they have that; they seem real. You have to care about the characters, but still give them obstacles to overcome.

To illustrate, David Willis, author and artist of It's Walky!, shocked his readers with the death of a major character. The best she could do ended up her getting blown up by a bomb. He reported that it sent him into a depressed funk, even though he had spent a year building up to this plot point. If you don't care whether your characters win or lose, live or die, that apathy will leak through your writing. And this applies to your villains as well.

Examine all passive voice sentences. I'm not saying that passive voice is bad, but usually when you're telling you're using passive voice. Sometimes you will have to use a passive voice sentence, but most can be replaced with active voice.

Example:

The coffee was drank by Linda.

Linda drank the coffee.

An absurdly simple example to fix; don't think all of your passive voice sentences will be this easy.

TELLING ISN'T THE END OF THE WOLRD

Really it isn't. We all slip up and fall into it at one point of the story. That's why we have second drafts. So stop feeling bad about it, and start brainstorming how to include more showing.

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